Jane and Pain
Note: Just a reminder that this blog is about my life, with the ups and downs that any life has. I thought long and hard about leaving this…
Note: Just a reminder that this blog is about my life, with the ups and downs that any life has. I thought long and hard about leaving this blog as originally drafted or editing out the more personal segment, but I left it in. It’s me, warts and all!
So here I was again. Ringing Jane's bell (!!) a few minutes early. My anticipation had been rising since she’d phoned to organise another session and even more so given the meet had been delayed by a week. I still couldn’t bring myself to call them dates, we had both agreed this was purely about sex, nothing else.
We’d had a long chat and it ended with her saying, “If you’re willing Tracy, I’d like to take you further with discipline and control. Can I?” After our last session when she had opened up this world of BDSM to me, albeit in a very mild manner I’d been hoping we could explore it further. I wasn’t convinced I’d become a devotee, partly because of my anathema to all that it represented when my Hex was involved. My experience with Jane had been totally different though, so I hoped it would continue that way. My reply was simply, “Yes.”
“Good. Then could I ask you to dress in clothes that you don’t mind being ruined? I don’t just mean dirtied or stained but destroyed.”
A frisson of nervous excitement went through me. “No problem, I’m sure I have an old dress I never wear somewhere.”
“No, not just a dress. Everything. All underwear too.”
That did fill my stomach with butterflies but I readily agreed. What had she in mind?
So there I was, dressed in a skirt and blouse bought in a charity shop, and cheap but pretty underwear from a chain store. The skirt was a full pleated dark grey and the blouse thin white cotton. I did have some old bras and knickers but they were so dowdy I’d have been embarrassed for Jane to see them.
Jane opened the door and let me in. We kissed in the hall like last time. Not so urgently perhaps but with a longing built-in. She led me to her lounge and poured a glass of wine for me.
We chatted inane chat for a bit as one does. Weather, week at work, horses of course, then Jane moved the conversation on.
“You said you wanted to get further into BDSM. Still of that mind?”
“Yes, I think so. I enjoyed what you did to me last time.”
“You do realise that was really nothing? An extremely gentle intro?”
“Yes, I’m not bad with physical pain, after all, I ride horses”, I added with a smile.
“Mm, I fear you have little idea about true pain and the depths we can sink to, but I’ll take it slowly. There will be humiliation too, are you sure you are comfortable with that?”
Was I? Humiliation from my Hex had almost had me suicidal. Humiliation, standing in a public place, and peeing had been the most glorious feeling. I assumed-hoped-the humiliation to be dolled out by Jane would fit into the right end of the spectrum. How wrong I was.
I simply said “Yes.”
“Use the safe word, sooner rather than later. We can always take a break.
“Now, I like to role-play. Once we are doing that everything is acting, okay? But you must respond in the same manner. Understood?” I nodded.
“Good. Finally, those clothes, they are expendable?”
“Yes, Charity shop specials and cheap undies.”
“Excellent. Ready then? Let’s go to the bedroom. Once out of the lounge we’re role-playing.”
My nerves had reappeared. Her talk of severe pain had worried me. Was I as tough as I imagined? More importantly, would it turn me on? In my previous existence, the time before I started living for these different sexual experiences, I’d never been able to understand how people could get sexual satisfaction from extreme pain. It was obvious many did and I needed to know if I was one of them. That, I was about to find out.
She led the way, opened the bedroom door, and simply said, “Lie on the bed. Spread your arms and legs.” I started to undress. “No!” She barked. “Stay dressed!” Whoa. I’d not heard someone use that tone of voice with me since my hateful husband departed the scene. I knew she was role-playing but it brought back memories, dark, bad, memories. Memories I wanted to stay buried. I wasn’t ready for them to surface. I hesitated. She pushed me towards the bed. “Get on it!” I told myself to stop being stupid. This was Jane, not Him.
I climbed on the bed and lay face down.
“Drippy girl. On your back!”
I rolled over and as I did Jane straddled me. I looked in her face. It was not the Jane I knew. The look! A cat about to devour a mouse. It scared me. I know it was meant to, but I was unprepared. This role-playing was more serious than I’d imagined. My stomach knotted.
That’s when the first slap came. Across my cheek. I shrieked.
“Shut up wimp.” Then a slap across the other. I felt my knickers dampen. I’d almost lost control of my bladder.
Her hands grabbed my blouse and ripped it open, sending buttons flying
Her hands clamped on my tits and squeezed. The pain! It wasn’t a gentle kneading, her nails dug in and would have drawn blood if my bra hadn’t afforded a little protection. Then she started verbally abusing me. I can’t remember her exact words, just that they were echos of Him.“Stupid woman. Ungrateful whore. Incompetent bitch.” Did Jane say that, or was it Him? My mind playing tricks. All said with venom. All too familiar. I knew it was all part of the act or did I? Was he here? Uninvited in my brain? It was too much. Too reminiscent of days gone by. Days I wanted to forget. Too many bad, bad memories. “No, I can’t do this,” I muttered. Jane seemed to think I was role-playing too. “You’ll do as you’re bloody well told!” A slap across my tits. In other circumstances perhaps a turn-on. Now a turn-off. I couldn’t go on. I was descending into my black hole. Sinking into the abyss. I managed to utter the safe word. Shit. Messed this up hadn’t I?
Jane immediately climbed off me, sat down next to me, and threw an arm around me. “Oh, Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be ready after last time. I’m sorry I misread things. Forgive me.”
I felt a total idiot. A small child comforted by their mother after a nightmare. I wasn’t crying but felt completely demoralised. Would I ever get out of that man’s shadow? After last weekend and the fun in close proximity to Charles and his prick I truly believed I was making progress to lose this stupid mindset. It appeared not. Jane was now hugging me and I realised she had a hand on a breast but was gently massaging it. A soothing touch but my mind had gone to that dark place.
I looked up and her head came towards mine for a kiss.
“No, no I can’t. I ought to go.” She immediately stopped, put a hand behind my head pulled it into her shoulder, and rubbed my back. More and more like a mother comforting her daughter.
She said nothing, simply giving me mental space to pull myself together.
I directed my thoughts away from him. Tried to think positive thoughts; about the fun Jane and I had had last time. Of the deviant nature of last weekend. Forced my mind to think how free I felt flashing in public, peeing where I shouldn’t, kissing pussies.
It took effort. It took Jane gently cuddling me and caressing my back. It took ages, but eventually, those thoughts, those memories of my deviant enjoyment buried the dark ones, deep where they needed to be. I raised my head, looked up and our lips met. We fell back on the bed and I felt her tit. No bra again. Her nipple needed help. I gave it. I pushed her jumper up and moved my lips from hers down to her breast. Used my tongue, flicking it over her teat. Rewarded with a hardening. My angst was fast disappearing, being replaced by a need to be as intimate as possible with this woman.
My hand found her trouser waistband and ferreted its way inside, down into her knickers over her smooth skin down to her lips. Barely moist. My attitude had affected her too. I needed to make up for my stupidity.
I undid her jeans, pulled them down and her knickers with them, threw them away, and pushed her knees wide. My head nestled between her thighs, my tongue flicked against her lips, now moistening. My thumb massaged her clit. I heard a small intake of breath. I changed things around. My fingers burrowed into her cunt and I gently took her clit in my mouth. A low moan from Jane. My hand moved faster. Jane's hips bucked. I remembered the first time Jane had touched me and how quickly I’d come. How Jane had commented on how much in need I was. Jane seemed in that need now. A need she had following my previous visit? Was I really having this effect on someone? The thought buoyed me. Jane was now well wet, her hips thrusting to meet the thrust of my hand. I wanted to rub my clit against hers, to feel that sensation, but I was still dressed. I needed to correct that. Urgently.
I stood up to remove my bra. Jane sat up. “Let me,” she whispered. She stood in front of me. Her hands went behind me, I felt her grasp my bra strap and pull. Not undoing the hooks, destroying them. They gave way. A sense of being violated but now so pleasurable. She threw the bra across the room, then undid the waistband to the skirt and let it fall. Grabbed my knickers in both hands and yanked. They gave way. The material ripped. It hurt as the waist snapped but more sublime pain. This time I pushed her onto the bed. Climbed back on top of her. She was compliant. Letting me make the running. I raised one of her legs, slid one of mine underneath. My clit slid towards hers. They touched. I’d swear sparks flew. The feeling! We both began slowly rocking. Oh my. A mist descended. A fog. My mind stopped functioning. Every fibre of my body was reacting to the sheer sexual feeling jumping between our bodies. How long it continued I hadn’t a clue. Each millisecond was bringing me a sensation so satisfying I couldn’t contemplate it stopping. But it did. In Jane’s eruption first. Her head thrown back and a screamed “YES!” That was the catalyst to prompt my sexual needs to explode.
How can every sexual adventure seem to exceed those that came before? There must be a limit but I wasn’t there yet. God almighty. Such joy. Such satisfaction. Such fulfillment.
We collapsed side by side. No speaking. It reminded me of last week with Carol and Charles. But this silence was different. Last week was a reflection on the deviant side of things. Drinking a man’s piss. This one was contentment. A job well done. Ha! A job well done? What a term! Sorry. A job with a satisfying conclusion? Hardly better but accurate. At least for me. I glanced at Jane. “Okay?” I asked. In reply, she turned to me and kissed me long and gently. Stirrings started again. I half turned to her so I could fondle her more easily. She accepted my touch as I did hers. Nothing demanding, just gentle petting.
We eventually broke apart. Jane swung her legs off the bed “I’ll get the wine,”
She came back with the bottle and filled our glasses. “A toast. To the randiest, sexiest beast, I’ve had the pleasure of bedding.” Said with a face splitting smile. I’d touched the right buttons! Which after that ignominious start was a huge relief. But did she mean it? “Really? Me?”
“Yes, YOU Sweetie. God, you do things to me. Last time was good. I knew you’d trigger me, but tonight!”
We clinked glasses.
Writing thoughts down takes time, even thinking about them seems to occupy minutes but I suspect my thought processes at that moment didn’t occupy more than a few seconds. I had mixed emotions following her comment. Absolute elation that this woman thought I was so sexy. That elation tinged with… with what? Concern? No. Fear? Definitely not. Apprehension? Yes, possibly, but about what? It dawned. I was worried the feelings were not simply sex. But from whose side? The words she’d used were definitely referring to the sexual nature of our friendship so was I harbouring something deeper? If I was, was that good or bad? Good in the sense it indicated I could mentally cope with a relationship all be it with a woman rather than a man, but bad in the sense I didn’t want a relationship. I hadn’t thought it through but knew there was no way I could give up this lifestyle now. I had to be deviant, promiscuous, outrageous. It’s what made me feel alive. If that relationship feeling was mine it was going back in its box.
I’d been looking, staring, at Jane, while those thoughts whistled through my brain.
“Jane, that’s the most uplifting comment you could possibly have made. I hope it’s true!” I said this with a smirk. My face half turned down to my glass. I even fluttered my eyelashes!
“God, you should come with a health warning. You’re going to be the death of me.” She took my glass, placed it on the bedside table, pushed me onto my back, and straddled me. Her hands covered my tits and she commenced kneading them. Gently at first, then with more pressure, a firmer grip. The sensation sent signals through my body. Her grip intensified. She pushed the tits together, dropped her head to them, and nibbled my teats and my boobs. And hard! There’d be teeth marks in the morning I was sure. So what? We were almost back to where we were earlier when I’d chickened out. All that was missing were her derogatory comments. But that made a world of difference.
“Let’s try this,” she whispered. She leant across, opened the drawer in her bedside cabinet, and pulled something out. I couldn’t see what it was at first but then she held it up. A nipple clamp! Oh god! I’d never had one used on me. Never wanted one used on me. Until now. The force she’d applied to my nipples with her fingers lips and teeth had hardly been minimal and much to my amazement I’d enjoyed it. What would that clamp be like?
I found out.
“Take a breath in,” instructed Jane. I did as told, she attached the clamp to each nipple, the chain hanging between them.
“Right, breath out.”
Jane continued playing with my tits gently massaging them and the nipple area. So far so good.
She then moved her attention to my pussy. That tongue! Perhaps it was the clamps, but I seemed to be heading towards an orgasm at express-train speed. Her thumb working on my clit and her tongue in my pussy brought it on. I thrust my hips and as I did Jane yanked on the clamp's chain and pulled them off my nipples. The blood rushed back in. The rush wasn’t just confined there. My whole body benefitted. yet another amazing climax.
“Good, Sweetie. What did you think?”
“Okay, not painful as such. The rush when you pulled them off was a bonus.”
“That’s what is meant to happen. I’m glad it worked. Now, how do you feel about some restraint?”
I shivered. After that initial panic, I knew I was still in hock to my previous life and I was at that precise moment so deliriously relaxed and happy that I didn’t want to ruin it.
“Can we leave it for now? I’m just not sure if I can cope.”
“Of course Sweetie, this is supposed to be fun.”
“Oh, it's been that alright,” I said as I leaned across and kissed her. It lasted an eternity. Nothing else other than some light petting, but I felt utterly content. We cuddled and snoozed and after another round of sex (I almost called it lovemaking, but I’m not going there), we fell asleep.
Back home on Saturday, I’ve had time to reflect on last night. I didn’t need to reflect on the sex. that was a tremendous turn-on. I needed to reflect on how I felt about the BDSM element. How it affected my mind, not because of itself as such, but its overlap with my experiences with my ex-husband. I still felt the demoralisation I had when I’d had to use the safe word, not due to pain but to mental anguish. Did I need that in my life? Absolutely not. Should I avoid BDSM then? If I did would Jane still be interested? I knew the answer to the last question. I’d actually asked her. Yes she would, she enjoyed that kink, it brought that little extra to sex, much as my peeing or exhibitionism did to mine, but she said she could live without it in our meets.
So it was down to me, as we explored more, if we explored more, would those black, dark thoughts keep recurring. They might, but reliving the feel of those nipple clamps was enough to make me realise I wanted to continue, but it would only be with physical pain, not humiliation. I’d had enough of that in my life.
Anyone who subscribes via Medium and hasn’t yet asked to see the photos and videos I’m putting on Dropbox, please drop me an e-mail at Terri_Tops@mail.com and I’ll add you to the list. Everyone else registered should get an e-mail when I add any (None for this post. Jane is very private and doesn’t want any images shared I’m afraid)
